Thursday, November 20, 2008


Thanks to my masterful painter friend from India, Milind Mulick, for thinking about me. I don't really have the time to play, and there is no way I can choose only seven other people to tag. But, I will reveal the requisite seven little-known facts about myself for a few chuckles....of course, I can't resist throwing a wrench into the works: one of these facts is not true!
Which one?

1. Drove a car 200 mph.
2. Snuck through a Russian border checkpoint without a visa.
3. Did 85 sit-ups in one minute.
4. Flew a Lear jet at 45,000 ft.
5. Told Larry Csonka I've never watched a football game because it's too boring.
6. Laughed uncontrollably at a funeral.
7. Gave guitar lessons to the #1 world-ranked men's and women's tennis players.

Back to our regularly-scheduled programming soon.


Sandy Maudlin said...

I'll guess it's #5 - football....never never watched a game???

RH Carpenter said...

I'm torn between not believing the situps (artists don't have time to exercise!) or flying the Lear Jet - hmmmm... :)

David Lobenberg said...

#5 is a blatant lie!!!!!!!!!! You can't fool me, and yes, I too was tagged, but told a true story.

milindmulick said...

No idea but sounds like one of the seven is perhaps true.

Anonymous said...

I see you slipping past the Russian Border Guards 007style.

Anonymous said...


How could you laugh at a funeral?
Did the deceased tell a joke? I cannot believe this is true.


Nick said...

I assure that all but one is true. Wouldn't mind seeing a few more guesses, first!

Annaquarel.les said...

Drove a car 200 mph? (Maybe)Flew a Lear jet at 45,000 ft (not sure). Who are you the new James Bond?. My name's Simmons.Nick Simmons.

Anonymous said...

My guess is No. 4, Nick.

Pablo Villicaña Lara said...

I hope it's the 85 situps! othewise I'm just not going to talk to you anymore!

Bond, Nick Bond!

Anonymous said...

Hey Nick
It has to be number 5. You're too young to know who Larry Csonka is.

David Burge said...

I don't think you drove a car at 200 mph.

You're well in with the Ruskies

You get giddy in a Porsche at 90.

I know you hate football

85 situps prob

Learjet...probably Elliott's or related to same...then again
200mph in one of his cars whould not be unheard of.

Guitar to Pistol Pete..we know that's true.

Laughing at a funeral....emotions can express in many ways, laughing is not always due to joy.

I'll go with the 200mph

William K. Moore said...

Nicholas I'm going with the situps being the red herring just because I hate them so much. Now if you would have introduced the scenario with being abducted and cattle prodded - well then I could have believed the situp story. All the others are more believable to me even if you would have added nude sky diving... would you really do that??

Nick said...

Let's work backwards....

7. I did indeed teach guitar lessons to Pete Sampras and Monica Seles, along with many other world-class tennis players. The best fringe benefit was having the opportunity to go on the court and hit with them, which was a thrill for me.

6. Many years ago, while attending the funeral of a dear family friend at a large church, a man got up and sang (solo) in front of the attendees. He was a very peculiar-looking fellow, with an even more peculiar voice. Once it started, I couldn't agonies of convulsed laughter, the affliction soon spread to my mother sitting next to me. My brother was outraged, as were, I imagine, others. Which reminds me: (don't watch this on your iPhone at a funeral!)

5. The Larry Csonka story deserves some qualification: I did not know it was Larry Csonka when I told him and several other people my opinion of American football. The opinion, btw, was solicited from me, I didn't bring it up. He was sitting next to me, drinking a cup of coffee. To the wide-eyed amazement of those present, I spoke my mind...and you could hear a pin drop. He finished his coffee, got up and left. The astonished onlookers started saying, "Holy ****, do you know who that was??? Larry Csonka, one of the baddest dudes in the history of the NFL!!!" Of course I had heard of him, but summoned my best Donald Sutherland attitude from that famous scene in The Dirty Dozen: "neeeeeverheardof'em"
And true, I've never watched a football game for more than 5 minutes consecutively.

4. I was sorry not to get the chance to take off in the Lear, guess you have to know what you're doing. (I probably wouldn't have any trouble bringing one down) No, just cruised over the Gulf from Florida to Texas. Gave my friends in the back the 25 cent tour of New Orleans from 45,000 ft, at 450 knots. Didn't lose a single piece of luggage.

3. Yes, 85 sit-ups in a one minute - 8th grade, set a city record. Wonder if it still stands. Might be able to pound out 60 now, but it wouldn't be pretty afterwards.

2. Incredibly, I made it through that border checkpoint (between Belarus and Russia) wearing a "Venice Beach - Los Angeles" t-shirt, and barely knowing 5 words of Russkie. I'm afraid I can't divulge more of this story without endangering the lives of other agents in the field.

1. Well, I guess Dake knows me! Never got past about 150 mph in an automobile, and that's probably a good thing. Giddy in a Porsche at 90? Well, when you're a passenger careening down a rain-soaked mountain road at night, and the guy driving has had a few, you'd be giddy too!

Nude skydiving? Give me time, Bill, give me time!

That was fun. Back to work, and thanks for the laughs you guys.

David Burge said...

As for the Porsche story, you don't lose any points for that.
I'd have jumped..!

wayne said...

Glad I'm late with a comment here (had no idea on this one!) I read it and mused +++ then I saw your answer!
I knew you played mean guitar, I mean extreeemley well (see my comment under Metheny Foundation) and thought it could just be possible you gave guitar lessons to #1 world-ranked tennis stars! If so, WOW+++!!! so I tentatively crossed that off my own list.
"American football", wasn't sure on that one.
"Laughed uncontrollably at a funeral" --well, yes, I could imagine that one being true. [I had my mobile (cell phone) 'go off' at a funeral during a eulogy once. I didn't answer the call. Also on funerals, once I was at a family funeral, and after the ceremony (around lunch-time on a hot Aussie day) I was hungry. The sizzling smell from a local barbeque was so appetising! I said "Hmmm, just smell those steaks and snags!" My brother-in-law, none too impressed , and without saying a word, signalled to the smoke rising from the crematorium chimney.]
"Flown a Lear jet at 45K' " Hmmm, that could be possible I thought. [I've been a passenger in a Cessna. Does that count?]
"85 sit-ups in one minute." Well, looking at those biceps in the photo I figured that could be true too. [But it doesn't break my record for sit-ups: 'sit-up-and-hold-sit-up-position' for 8-hours straight (in a chair).] BTW my tryceps are a sight to behold.
"Car at 200mph" --hmm that one seemed maybe plausible in the Nevada Desert. [I've been a passenger in a Porsche at 200+kph with the roof off. (No the wind did not rip it off).
"Russian checkpoint..." -- wasn't sure on that one. Well, I reasoned that although you didn't have a "visa", maybe you had a visacard! ...maybe they just charge 'departure taxes' there, right?? ...nordinary visas are useless for that, right? (They charge em here, 'down under'. So why not there too? ..."You no pay? You stay.") But then there's 'Customs' too right? So maybe they'd confiscate those Kolinsky sables!

..a great post! LOL, & cheers,
~W said...

Nick , My FAVORITE Portrait of you !!
It occurs to me looking at it that you must add that to your list of accomplishments,ACTING!
You would be a Natural and could do it All,in your Next movie, Paint ,Play the guitar,and do a Romantic Cary Grant type bit with Olga on the Big Screen !
I know you slipped past customs in Russia ,that is TRUE !!

Nick said...

Wayne, sorry I didn't respond to this sooner. Your funeral story beats mine by a mile. I have another good friend (just spoke to him) who has also laughed at a highly-inappropriate time, and when he related the story I was on my kitchen floor for about 20 minutes, breathless. All I can bring myself to write here is the "punchline" of the tale: never saw him again. (make up your own scenario!)

June - acting ain't hard, it's being real that's a challenge! Good to see you here, I'll be over presently to see what's up at the frog pond.

Anonymous said...

My Dear Mr. Simmons,

I have known you well for over a decade now, and I'm extremely disappointed that none of your tag items addressed your penchant for destroying expensive electrical devices (not to mention tennis rackets). Please get real.

Denny "El Perro" Fried

Nick said...

Hey Dawg, it's supposed to be little-known facts, not the stuff on my professional resume. However, I have been remiss in this dept, and I am now surveying a certain HP laptop that has been acting up lately. Since none of this stuff can be fixed anymore, it might be time for me to exit diagnostic phase and go straight to radical and aggressive treatment. Thank you for the idea re future blogposts. (we were way ahead of our time...way ahead)